Thankskilling (2009)

OMG!  I have descended down the road to darkness and into the depths of the abyss.  There are no redeeming factors left in my soul, I'm a terrible person.  I need an intervention.  My name is Jory Tindall, and I'm addicted....to B movies!

I just watched probably the worst movie I've ever seen (if it's not it's close).  What more could you want than a turkey that was created in colonial times by the native Americans to kill white people every 500 years?  Add to that a turkey with a bad mouth and about 1,000 great quotes and you have Thankskilling.  The plot is based on a typical horror movie formula; evil arises and starts terrorizing and killing the characters in some very cliche ways while the cast tries to find a way to dispose of it.  Of course Thankskilling makes use of the optional coda of adding a comeback for the villain after he is presumed to be dead so that he can kill some people before being destroyed for good.  Thankskilling is straight out of the horror movie textbook is this regard.  Terrible acting, terrible special effects and just an overall bad quality movie that is only made bearable  by the hilarious quotes and obvious air of comedy throughout.  You should probably only see it if you can see yourself enjoying quotes like these coming from the mouth of a turkey:

• "You just got stuffed!" (note the thanksgiving reference)
• "Gobble, gobble motherf***er!"
• "Nice tits bitch!"

What a nice couple of gems!  Honestly I have no idea why this movie is on Netflix, but I gave it three stars in the hope that more people would see it.

The Machine Girl (2008)

Been a while since I've posted anything, but it doesn't really matter because nobody reads this anyways!

The Machine Girl is real gem in the recent B movie genre.  It was released in 2008 and retains many elements of American B movies, including some nods at Robert Rodriguez as well as the Kill Bill films, but has a unique Japanese flair to it.  Basically the premise is a boy gets killed by bullies who happens to be the brother of an ass-kicking sister named Ami.  Ami teams up with the mother of another victim of bullying to take down a member of the Yakuza gang (Kill Bill anyone?) and his henchmen.  The spin on this is that Ami's arm gets cut off and she replaces it with a machine gun and a chainsaw (Evil Dead anyone?)!  Ami then proceeds to annihilate everyone in her path in a bloody swath of death and destruction.

The blood in this movie is very Kill Bill-esque in terms of the squirting fashion in which it exits the body, which everyone can recognize and identify with (at least those of you who are fans of Quentin Tarantino).  This leads to every single character being covered head-to-toe in blood (red corn syrup) and a battlefield full of severed limbs and homeless body parts (AWESOME!).  The Japanese twist (also similar to Kill Bill) is the idea of Japanese honor and pride, which isn't necessarily present in most American movies.  Ami goes on her killing spree for acts of revenge with no concerns for her own well-being, compared to acts of violence aimed at bettering ones personal image.  This is so reminiscent of American movies, but taken to the point of extremity that only the Japanese can obtain.  Not to mention that the main character is really hot...especially when covered in blood.  The Machine Girl gets a 3/5.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

Oh.  Yeah.  I saw "The Human Centipede."  This'll be short because it's a disgusting movie to discuss.  The basic idea of the plot is a retired surgeon turned mad scientist who gets off on connecting people via their mouths and anuses to create a "human centipede."  So he kidnaps three people and connects them and basically keeps them/it as a pet until things start to unwind and he is discovered for what he really is.

I thought this movie was going to be un-watchable due to the amount of gore and graphic nature I was expecting, but it wasn't really that bad on the gore scale.  In other words I've seen much worse.  The thing that makes this movie what it is is the whole concept behind it, the concept of the human centipede and how screwed up it is.  The acting is not good by any means in this movie, except for the lead role of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) which fits the vibe of the movie perfectly.  I guess you can't really expect much when you mouth is attached to the ass of another person for the entire movie.  There were a few cringe moments throughout the movie but not really anything to turn away at.  Unless you really have a hankering to see this movie I would skip it just because it's way overrated in terms of scare/shock/horror factor.  "The Human Centipede" gets a 2/5.

Cashback (2006)

We all go through life experiencing a string of moments and points in time.  Some moments we would like to forget.  Others we wish could last forever.  "Cashback" is a movie about making those special moments last into eternity.
The story is centered around Ben Willis, an art student who starts suffering from a severe case of insomnia after his girlfriend breaks up with for, as explained by Ben, small things that shouldn't make that much of a difference.  Ben's case of insomnia causes him to remain awake and without fatigue for weeks without sleep.  He ends up taking a job at a local supermarket during the night shift.  However, rather than trying to get through his shift as quickly as possible, Ben find a way to freeze the world around him.  He utilizes this ability (and his art talent) by drawing the women around the store who are stuck in poses and experiencing the beauty of the woman form.  One thing leads to another and he falls in love with a fellow employee and the rest is pretty standard in terms of the genre.
The reason why "Cashback" is different from any other romantic comedy is because rather than focusing on many different encounters between the destined lovers of the film, it focuses on one or two moments that Ben has frozen so that he can examine his love (who goes by the name of Sharon).  It's a very interesting take on one's life experiences and how we all wish we could make them last forever.  "Cashback" gets a 5/5 because it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :).

Inception (2010)

I saw "Inception" so you don't have to!  Just kidding, "Inception" was actually a pretty great movie!  I'm not a super big fan of Leonardo di Caprio.  I mostly have trouble getting past his voice (he sounds like a bitchy twelve year old).  But other than that "Inception" had a pretty all-star lineup, including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Paige, and Ken Watanabe.  All of the actors were basically perfect except for di Caprio, because he's a bitchy twelve year old.

I can't really tell too much of the plot because it would give up too much of the plot, but I do have one complaint; that being that some of the details and events (including the past of the characters and how they came to be) was a little vague at times.  It really wasn't until the very end of the movie that I noticed how everything fit together and the importance/significance of all of the characters.  However, it was shot very well and had a lot of interesting ideas, however, a lot of the ideas presented in "Inception" are not entirely original.  The two movies that stood out to me as being similar along some lines were "The Matrix" and "Vanilla Sky".  Without giving away anything, lets just say that each of these movies are similar to "Inception" in the way that the character's minds/thoughts/dreams are manipulated.

Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed "Inception" and highly recommend seeing, maybe more than once!  "Inception" gets a 4.5, not a 5, for the sole reason that Leonardo di Caprio's voice sucked...and because I don't like his acting style....and because he's a teenage heartthrob and I'm not.... :(

Knowing (2009)

Other than the fact that I hate Nicholas Cage, "Knowing" was a pretty O.K. movie...until the end.  It seems like I've stumbled upon a few movies lately that sort of have a "hidden" (and when I say hidden I mean completely blatant...) religious message.  I recently watched "The Book of Eli" which is the other movie I'm referring to.

I'll just go ahead and ruin it for you since I would hope that after reading this review, you wouldn't see it.  "Knowing" is pretty much a round about way of telling the story of the great flood and cleansing of the Earth and Noah's ark in modern times when everything on Earth is wiped out by a massive solar flair except for a few young children that are saved by what I deemed to represent angels to repopulate and restore civilization.  Pretty standard premise of a pre-apocalyptic world with a ton of foreshadowing but overall very predictable.  All of this was then ruined by Nicholas Cage.

Here is what I see wrong with Cage.  It seems like every single movie he's in, he plays the same lame character; that being the out of luck husband who is a genius on some large topic that is the key to saving the world (even though he doesn't save the world in "Knowing").  Cage's character basically bosses everybody around on his quest to discover the truth behind a lot of strange happenings centered around him and his son.  Of course every character submits to his will and follows him around like chickens with their dicks cut off.  Not to mention he is a terrible actor with absolutely no emotion change (it's all "I'm awesome and here to save the world! Out of my way!")

The only credit that I will give this movie is that it has the guts to completely destroy civilization rather than writing a script in with Nick Cage uses his super-god powers to resurrect the entire human race and survive a massive solar flair.  "Knowing" gets a 2/5 for decent beginning, with a bad everything else.  Go team!

The Book of Eli (2010)

I'm sure everybody in the world is a fan of Denzel Washington.  How could you not be?  "The Book of Eli" is Washington's latest blockbuster and it follows a man named Eli in his journey (guided by some kind of omnipresent entity....) to deliver the words of the Holy Bible to a group of people who are trying to rebuild society after it has been extinguished by war and natural disaster.  He comes in contact with a man who wants the "book" for the sole purpose of using it's power of persuasion and faith to increase his own wealth and livelihood by exercising control over whomever will follow him.  It takes place a seemingly post-apocalyptic world in which the Earth has been scorched by the sun and few humans remain, and even fewer alternative forms of life.  There is no law and order, there is only the struggle for survival.

I would have enjoyed this movie immensely if it hadn't been based on religion.  The movie portrayed my exact thoughts in a line by the antagonist, Carnagie (Gary Oldman), even though it appears to be a glorification of Western religion.  Carnagie states that he needs the book to exhibit it's power over the weak-minded people of the world so that he can control them and increase his own estate.  Now, I'm not going to get into a religious discussion about what is right and what isn't (in my mind, do whatever you want as long as it doesn't influence me and my decisions), but for a movie trying to explain why religion is seemingly good, why would you point out the fundamental flaw in it (that being that people blindly follow religion without giving serious thought to the implications it's having on their lives and the lives of others)?  Not only that but isn't it setting a bad example if the new prophet of God (Washington) brutally slaughters anybody who gets in his way in supreme displays of bad-assery?  It's like the crusades all over again!  That will be where my religious rant will end.

Other than the lame connections to the King James Bible, this movie had several great things going for it.  The acting was all great, except for the part that Mila Kunis plays (Solara).  Washington and Oldman were both great.  The cinematography and the general vibe of the movie was also very interesting.  What was most likely used was mostly shots of people surrounded by green screen with CGI sets erected all around them.  This gives the movie a very surreal and lonely feeling and does a great job of displaying the despair and fright of the remaining human race.  There were also some really awesome fight scenes, very much in the style of Zach Snyder (Sin City, 300) that showed a great display of the entire fight from a panoramic type view, rather than a first person view.  Because of the religious aspect, "The Book of Eli" only gets a 3.5/5.  Screw you Denzel Washington for making a movie that had so much potential to be completely righteous (not in the religious sense) and gory.

Oldboy (2003)

Anyone interested in effed up movies from South Korea? I certainly am now! "Oldboy" is of course a film made by a South Korean film company following a man named Oh Dae Su. For some reason Oh Dae Su is imprisoned in a strange room without any human interaction and basically nothing to live for. After 15 years Oh Dae Su is released for no extractable reason on the rooftop of the building he was trapped in. He meets a young woman named Mi-do and begins to hunt down the man who locked him up. He begins uncovering things from his past and from his schooling years and eventually uncovers the story in it's shocking entirety with an ending that is impossible to predict.

I really liked this movie for two reasons. 1) The way that foreign films (and especially films from Asian countries) are produced and strung together is drastically different from the way American films are made, and it's a style that I really enjoy. 2) The ending, even though horrifying and disturbing, was phenomenal in the way is expressed to the viewer as well as how it was filmed (the overall cinematography in this movie is pretty great). The soundtrack was also very enjoyable featuring excerpts from Vivaldi's "Four Seasons", specifically "Winter". Another aspect that made this film appealing was the presence of several AWESOME fight scenes in the middle of the movie where Oh Dae Su does some major ass-kicking. These scenes were also very special because they were filmed in a way that allowed the viewer to see every single detail going on in the fight, and around the fight which is unique because most fight scenes are focused mainly on first-person point of view and consist of lot of camera shaking and blurred images. The "Oldboy" fight scenes are incredibly reminiscent of Bruce Lee Kung-fu films and that general genre. In other words, the fight scenes were very well choreographed but they didn't seem so to the viewer. In conclusion, if you can stand English overdubs (which were hardly noticeable) and you want to get your moral sense screwed with a little bit, check out "Oldboy" which gets a 4/5.

Uncle Sam: I Want You...Dead! (1997)

"Uncle Sam" is a fairly unknown B movie that I recently discovered by accident and decided to check out. This is a film about a soldier named Sam Harper who is killed in Kuwait by friendly fire that comes back to life to eliminate all of the non-patriotic Americans...sounds great to me! The film is centered around a boy who is the nephew of Sam Harper (hence, Uncle Sam) who idolizes his uncle to the point of doing anything for him and wants to grow up to be exactly like him. Sam is shipped back to his home town after his body is found and before his family can bury him, he rises to show America's true colors. Sam utilizes an Uncle Sam costume to do his dirty work which allows him to blend in as it happens to be the 4th of July. What more could you want in a quality film like this one?

I wasn't really sure what to expect other than that the acting was going to be somewhere between mediocre and terrible, and that the special effects were going to be much less than adequate. In the end I was half correct in terms of the acting, which was pretty terrible from just about every member of the cast. The special effects on the other hand, were pretty great for this being a B movie. There was a really great fire scene at the end where Sam is shot by a canon and catches fire and is then catapulted into a house which explodes! It was a very well choreographed scene that was pulled off pretty flawlessly. I think the plot was supposed to be semi-funny but the amount of political undertones add a nice spark of humor and political hilarity to the film. All in all, "Uncle Sam is a terribly entertaining B movie , but what more can you expect (and what more do i love!) from a movie titled as this? I enjoyed it, but it you're not a fan of this genre, then you might find many more things wrong with it then I did. "Uncle Sam" gets a 2 out of 5 for generally poor acting (but that's what makes it entertaining!)

2012 (2009)

This film is a must see! It's an exhilarating thrill ride through the destruction of the planet and the extinction of humanity that only be prevented by one man...John Cusack! Ever wondered where we went between "High Fidelity" and now? Well he's making great movies like "2012", the top blockbuster/must-see of the year!

I wish I could say all of these things about "2012". It certainly had the potential to be a fantastic film and to capture audience in a way that could change their lifestyles for the better and make them better people. Why don't we first talk about what was good about this movie:

The concept.

And now what was not good about this movie:

The first thing I will address is how over-the-top and completely ridiculous almost every single action scene. Those of you who know me and my movie preference (B movies and anything awesomely bad) then you know that I generally love completely over-the-top and ridiculous movies. However, this was to the point where it was annoying and down right terrible. What made it even worse was that this movie was a major blockbuster and people actually liked it and the film obviously had a huge budget to utilize tons of CGI techniques.

In correspondence with the annoying action scenes, almost every single scene was made using computer generated images, which is fine but it was incredibly apparent that the majority of the film was made of them. I was waiting for some sweet "Twister" effects with real props and things like that, but movies just don't use those anymore which makes a sad boy :(.

The script for this movie was also terrible, and was made even worse by poor acting. All of the emotional scenes (when things weren't getting blown up) were incredibly fake without a shred of realism. I was expecting more from you John Cusack!!! Has America really gotten to the point where all we want to watch in a film is stuff blowing up and people falling out of buildings into crevasses in the earth while a limo driven by an writer (Cusack) executes daring feats of madness (driving through buildings while they are sinking into the Earth and being chased by the collapse of the road into an abyss down to the core of the Earth) while everything is strung together by a loose plot that takes second place to meteors of lava striking the ground around the same writer as he drives an old burnt-out RV down a mountain trail at breakneck speeds while Yellowstone explodes in a cloud of fiery ash and death?!?! This is poor film-making at it's finest. "2012" gets 1 out of 5. Worse than "Transformers 2". By far.

Bubba Ho-tep (2002)

Many of my friends know that one of my favorite movie genres is the "B" movie genre (in other words poorly made movies that nobody else wants to watch). Probably the most famous "B" movie actor is a man by the name of Bruce Campbell who is most well known for playing the role of Ash in the Evil Dead series directed by Sam Raimi (who has "Evil Dead 4" in the works right now btw). "B" movies are known for their over-the-top special effects and notably terrible acting.

"Bubba Ho-tep" is one of Bruce Campbell's most recent films and stars him in the role of Sebastian Haff. However the true character of Sebastian Haff is Elvis...yes the King himself. The story behind that is that Elvis wanted to go under the radar so he faked his death and took the place of a man named Sebastian Haff. Here's the kicker; Sebastian Haff is an Elvis impersonator. So Bruce Campbell plays Elvis who is impersonating Sebastian Haff who is impersonating Elvis.

The story is based around Elvis who is now old and lives in a care facility with a man who thinks he's JFK. The problem is that the care facility where both of them live is under attack by an Egyptian mummy who is eating the souls of the care home tenants. It's up to Elvis and JFK to stop the mummy and bring peace to the care home.

This film is actually a very well put together film compared to every other "B" movie I've ever seen. The film quality is very high and everything looks really great comparatively. The acting is a bit cheesy but for this film I think it's pretty appropriate. There weren't any super cheesy special effects which definitely sets this apart from most other Bruce Campbell (for instance "Terminal Invasion"). I think this film turned out as good as it did because Bruce Campbell has embraced the fact that "B" movies are generally thought of as terrible films with no value whatsoever. Because he has embraced the fact that "B" movies are cheesy, his films sort of have a right to be cheesy and I think it's appropriate for the context. This may start bringing these movies that I have such a passion for to a more widespread audience. Bruce Campbell fans definitely check this out. "Bubba Ho-tep" gets a 3.5 out of 5.

Slacker (1991)

It's been awhile since my last post. This is because I decided to take some time off after my much involved research and viewing project on Bruce Lee and his legacy. Rather than writing reviews I've been watching Dragonball Z....

So anyways up on the chopping block today is the film "Slacker" which is part of the Richard Linklater library (who happens to be one of my favorite directors and writers). Richard Linklater has a very unique style of putting his films together and the general vibe and cinematography are very recognizable. One film that is very similar from Linklater is "Waking Life" which analyzes the theory of lucid dreaming (not being able to differentiate between what is a dream and what is real life). Linklater is known for have a constant dialog/narration going on throughout the entire film. Most of the time this dialog is about some philosophical ideal or something relating to how people see life differently.

"Slacker" is a film analyzing the lives of misfit youths and people who general aren't doing much with their lives (or so it seems on the outside). The subject of the film is passed around from person to person by small connections that they each have, such as walking past each other on the street or having a conversation about life in a coffee shop. Through this passive look at the subjects the viewer obtains an understanding as to the lives and connections of everybody involved. This idea of film making expresses that everybody is in some way connected, in terms of a lot of the subjects visited throughout the plot come up in later conversations in the film, or have already been touched on by previous meetings and conversations. Other than that there isn't so much of a set plot except for gaining an understanding of life through the eyes of conversation (which is a distinct Linklater-ism).

I really enjoyed this film, probably because it was very interesting from a philosophical and existential viewpoint, but also because it was one of Linklaters earlier works and I can really see a definitive style in his film-making, and it's a style that I really enjoy. It's this analytical style that gives the film a very light-hearted feeling which also makes for a very entertaining film because of the light-hearted nature. This film is also a good example of flawless acting. The actors do a great job of getting inside their roles. This film would have been impossible if the actors weren't able to immerse themselves in the lives of their characters. This was a very enjoyable movie and if you enjoy Linklater check it out, and if you enjoy movies that explore existentialist ideas and philosophical problems, or if you just want to watch it because I watched it and you trust my reviews, then definitely check it out! "Slacker" gets a 4 of 5.

The Bruce Lee Legacy

As some of you may know I've been going through a Bruce Lee phase lately and have been trying to get my hands on every movie he's made. Little did I actually realize how big of a deal he was in the Kung-Fu genre of film until I watched "Game of Death." For those of you who don't know much about Bruce Lee, here's a short summary of his life.
Bruce Lee was born in 1940 and lived a short life, dying in 1973 before the release of one of his most celebrated films, "Enter the Dragon." His career as a professional film martial artist, choreographer, producer, and writer included more than 30 different films all contained within the Kung-Fu genre showcasing his own Jeet Kune Do style of martial arts. He died of what appeared to complications in his brain (but this was never confirmed as the cause of death and it remains a mystery still today) while filming his last film "Game of Death," which was later released in 1978 using actual "Game of Death" footage combined with footage using a Bruce Lee stand-in, as well as footage from his previous films. His own unique style of fighting is instantly recognizable for his quick feet and all around fast-paced fighting. His impact on the martial arts genre as a whole is astounding and directors allude to his work all of the time (most recently and most memorable is in the "Kill Bill" movies directed by Quentin Tarantino) and his work will remain important in martial arts film making for many years to come.
To get to the main point, I would like to provide you with some overviews and reviews of the movies that I've watched and how important they are to the martial arts genre, and to the film industry as a whole.
When Lee started making movies he was basically forced to "come into Hollywood through the backdoor" as described by his wife, Linda Emery, in the Bruce Lee documentary by John Little. This means that Hollywood wouldn't allow an Asian man to star in a martial arts film because he wasn't white, even if he was a better fighter. So Lee got to Hollywood through the Hong Kong film scene. He stared in his first martial arts film entitled "The Big Boss" which is centered around a wealthy business smuggling drugs and becoming protective of his operation by killing anybody who discovers his plot, this being all of Bruce Lee's characters family and friends. So Lee goes on a rampage to take on the Big Boss in a climactic fight scene. I rated "The Big Boss" as a 3/5 solely because it was really a classic "B" movie in terms of the incredibly terrible gore and lack of coherent plot line. However, it can be seen that Lee is beginning to develop his own unique fighting style.
Rather than review every single Bruce Lee movie I've watched in the past few weeks (the total being 6), I'll just give all a numerical review of each.

The Big Boss(1971)-3/5
Fist of Fury(1972)-3/5
The Chinese Connection(1972)-4/5
Way of the Dragon(1972)-5/5
Enter the Dragon(1973)-5/5
Game of Death(1978)-2/5

As you can see, throughout Lee's career, his movies became of higher quality and were just generally better, as well as Lee developed his own personal fighting "style" known as Jeet Kune Do (Path of the Intercepting Fist). I say style in quotes because Lee wasn't a severe opponent of fighting styles and proved through is films that his Jeet Kune Do could prevail over any one style, as it combines the extreme power of Gung Fu as well as Lee's own philosophy of defending with offense.
One exception to this was "Game of Death" which I mentioned earlier. I watched "Game of Death" anticipating it to be an excellent piece of work because it was later than any of his other movies. Little did I what "Game of Death" actually was until I looked up Lee's death an the release date. The film was released in 1978, however, Lee died in 1973! After more research I realized that Lee began filming "Game of Death" in 1973, directly after filming "Enter the Dragon", which was Lee's first and last Hollywood film. While in the process of filming Lee died and the film was never finished. However, after his death the Hong Kong production company pulled "Game of Death" out the vault, created a whole new plot, and filmed that plot using a Bruce Lee stand-in as well as excerpts from his previous films. The stand-in pretended to be Bruce Lee in fighting and acting very poorly and the scenes that were used from his previous films were cut in very poorly and the movie had very little cohesive value. The only redeeming factors from this movie were the last 20 minutes of the movie which were the only parts of the original "Game of Death" footage, using the authentic Bruce Lee. This short bit of footage is the best representation of Lee's fighting style and is a wonderful work of martial arts art!
Before Bruce Lee began filming his movies, the movies that were coming out of Hong Kong were really cheesy sword play movies that were completely unrealistic and over-used special effects. Bruce Lee's movies combat this form of film making by using almost no special effects (the only instance I can think of is from "The Big Boss" where fake blood is used) and using authentically choreographed fight scenes that are true to Lee's specific form of fighting (Jeet Kune Do). Lee's style of film making influenced so many great fighting movies to come after it, including most (if not all) of Quentin Tarantino's movies, Chuck Norris films, as well as Robert Rodriguez's films (associated with Tarantino in some cases).
Not only did Lee influence all of these icons in film making, but his influence on modern philosophies between valiant enemies shows through even today. Lee's philosophy was one of respect and equality for all people, including ones enemies. Lee made this apparent in not only his movies (in particular "The Way of the Dragon") but in his publications and journal entries. Lee was an avid reader of many eastern philosophers such Confucius and used these ideas and thoughts in collaboration with his own and applied them to martial arts and life in general. The film industry and the martial arts genre is lucky to have such a man as Bruce Lee. He revolutionized the film industry in his field as well as made an example of how people should treat each other through his movies.
So if you haven't checked out Bruce Lee's philosophies, not to mention his movies, they are a must see!